bleh....

I've been feeling pretty bummed lately. I had my shrink appointment yesterday. It was the first time I walked into Knox City since October, so much has changed.
I still look over my shoulders alot, my shrink said this is normal. I have so much guilt, even though I have nothing to be guilty about - that it's his fault...this feeling is normal too.
Well, I don't feel normal...
It also sucks being "ill". I guess most people think I bludge all day. Well I don't, but it is lonely and it is isolating. When my friends are working, I am just cleaning or doing some mindless crap. I've been helping my sister out a bit with her business, out of guilt for alot of it, I guess.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I mean, there are things I would have like to have done (in career and traveling) but I have certain limitations. Which SUCKS!
I pretend I'm fine, most of the time, I'm such a liar. My shrink could tell too.
I have no energy left anymore. The weather in now rainy and cold. I have to make an appearance at Ruby's tomorrow night...Well, I'll have to stick around because I guess I'll be taking my husband and his instruments...
When I get the way I am atm, I tend to savage things. I savaged my hair...no more long locks for Libby. My sister had to fix my hair.
I wish I wasn't on any of my medications. I'm sure it's caused some toxic problem - like skin breakouts and I'm itchy and get sensitive skin too...not to mention the kilos I've packed on. I know my friends turn a blind eye to my weight but I see how other people look at me and it hurts...
I actually felt very suicidal the other day, I'm so ashamed.